breastfeeding : in retrospect
I found this photo whilst searching through the archives; so grateful to Luisa for capturing the tenderness
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now so in honour of World Breastfeeding Week, a little honesty: in hindsight I wholeheartedly believe that I breastfed Poet for too long. Why? Because in the last six months of our breastfeeding journey my health suffered – I was physically, mentally and emotionally spent. I would sit at the dinner table, my eyes heavy, the mere suggestion of a conversation overwhelmed me. I woke in the morning feeling like sleep had alluded me and I’d look in the mirror to see dark circles under my eyes. I was happy enough but just. so. tired. I was also working from home, sometimes four or five days a week, teaching yoga classes and running Che to and from school. Despite my heavy load there was still a part of me that felt that Poet deserved to be fed for as long as her brother had – she deserved to have an equal experience. Deserved; such a strong word, so unnecessary but still, it was what I believed at the time.
Despite my steadfast belief there were many occasions where I admitted to Daniel that I needed to wean and whilst he wholeheartedly agreed with me and offered his support, it never eventuated. Why? Because I didn’t have the energy to decline her requests or persevere with a weaning plan. The breastmilk haze, complete with blurred perspective and powerful hormones, was heavy and unyielding and I couldn’t see my way out of it, hence I kept feeding her.
But then nature decided for me; I got really sick, needed to take antibiotics and just like that, it was over. A week later I recovered from illness and basked in the sweet lifting of the breastfeeding cloud. Yes, there was sadness and grief but there was also profound relief; I could think quickly and clearly, I had energy and motivation, I felt calm and at ease.
Neither of my children were going to self-wean; they loved milk and would feed often and for long periods of time – day and night. I was the only one who was going to cut the cord. And therein lies the complexity. Breastfeeding isn’t just the physical act of feeding your child from your breast; it’s heart work and ending such intimacy never comes easily. Some may say it never comes naturally.
When it’s time for me to grow another baby and embark on a new breastfeeding journey I’ll do so with gratitude. I’ll bask in the opportunity to sit down, feed and connect. But I won’t have any breastfeeding goals because frankly, they’re just as dangerous as birth goals – they beg for disappointment and mother-guilt. I’ll take it day by day and if baby and I make it past that first year I promise to continually take note of my health and wellbeing. I’ll ask myself: “What’s best for me?” – because I’m important, too.
Oh my heart! Very true. All of it. from the attachment, the haze, the grief and the self-care. Important words. Thanks for sharing.
So often we forget about the Mother's rights during the breastfeeding journey, lovely words. Thank you for sharing xx
Thanks for sharing Jodi, I could have written this, apart from the fact I am still there. I'm going through an internal debate at the moment, feeling obliged to give my 1 year old son the same experience and commitment I gave my daughter, but at the same time realising the physical and mental toll is it having on me. We set these pressures upon ourselves, and get a little lost in the process. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone x
A beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing. It's very true that breastfeeding is both physical and 'heart' work, I am deep in the haze of it all at the moment and am desperately trying to give my second baby the same experience as my first. It's amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves as mums sometimes, without ever just sitting back, taking stock and realising that we are all just doing the best we can xo
this is a wonderful and heartfelt post – beautifully put. And yes, you should put yourself first. Mothers are so guilty of putting their own health & needs last, when really they are the core of the family and need to be nurtured accordingly. Lovely x
A great post and an important discussion. I have had a similar experience, in terms of the health effects of extended breastfeeding. All of the literature etc urges breastfeeding until at least two years, but what it doesn't address is the likely toll that will have on the mother nor the fact that if you do make it to two, it will be incredibly difficult (in our case, I would say almost impossible) to wean until the child themselves initiates it
Thank you for sharing. Beautifully written post.
Thanks for putting words to so many of my own thoughts.
Such an important and well-balanced post x
I had this experience with my first…it was just plain difficult. I've made it a year with all my kids (which was all I could really shoot for personally) but I am curious as to how it will feel now, as I approach having another baby in a few weeks. Sometimes it is important to remember that making those 'goals' is less important than what feels right…because I know this child will have very different experiences from what I was able to give my other children. That's hard.
I love seeing a more realistic and honest post about breastfeeding. I was very determined to breastfeed my daughter, but when she was born early with many health issues and spent the first two months of her life in the NICU that threw our (my) plans off. I was only "allowed" to breastfeed her once a day (everything else was tube fed) and I pumped every three hours around the clock. When we finally got home from the hospital and I was able to breastfeed her whenever I/she wanted, she would have nothing to do with it. For over a month I pushed and pushed for it and was totally exhausted with my efforts and she would not even make an attempt at breast feeding. In the end I had almost no supply, but I still felt so guilty giving it up and many made me feel like I hadn't tried hard enough and was depriving my daughter of something so precious. It seemed, though, that everyone who was telling me that I didn't try hard enough had never had a single issue feeding their baby and had no idea that sometimes bottling is actually better for everyone. Once we gave up breastfeeding we were all much happier. I hope to try again when we have another child, but I will be sure to ignore the pressure from the peanut gallery.
My breastfeeding experience was frustrating. It didn't work well for me. It was never relaxed, because, well, my breasts outgrew the length of my arms and I couldn't cradle my babies, but had to hold their heads in my hands. And the milk came out so fast that it choked them. They never breastfed for more than five minutes at a time and when they did, they preferred to pop off and look at the world around them with milk squirting their faces, which meant, for me, no discreet blanket over the exposed breast. Both of them weaned themselves between 10 and 11 months and I, frankly, was relieved, but I was also glad to have given them mother's milk for as long as they would take it. They are 14 and 17 now, so those worries are such a thing of the past, but it is fun to remember them with other mothers.
"When it's time for me to grow another baby and embark on a new breastfeeding journey I'll do so with gratitude. I'll bask in the opportunity to sit down, feed and connect. But I won't have any breastfeeding goals because frankly, they're just as dangerous as birth goals – they beg for disappointment and mother-guilt."
I love this statement right here. I breastfed my first for three weeks, and stopping was the right decision for our family, I had a lot of psychological/hormonal problems with breastfeeding, which caused a lot of anxiety. Now that I'm pregnant with my second, I'm open to perhaps trying breastfeeding again, or I may just do donated breast milk bottles from birth, I've just learned through struggles to be open to what life brings and realize that plans are good things but they will not ever play out exactly how we imagine. Listening to our own motherly intuition is the best guide! 🙂 Thank you for sharing Jodi!
Thank you so much for this post. I breastfed both my children, but both became unruly feeders around 6 months of age. With both it was like a light switch : One day, they were calm, happy, satisfied and the next, they were insatiable, restless, chompy (yes, because they both had teeth by 6 months) and just plain hungry! What was a "every 4 hour" routine became a "every 2" then "every 1". By 6 months, for both of them I felt tired, sickly, dried up and just insufficient. With my daughter, it was harder : My first, how I anted to breastfeed her until she turned 1. But by the end of her 6th month, she was done. She made it clear by stopping drinking all together until we gave her a bottle. She held it on her own, closed her eyes and downed the whole thing. Then slept like she hadn't slept in weeks. For my son, it was easier because I didn't want to fight. I wanted our time together to be peaceful. He would be my last. I wanted the last moments to be ones of joy. So when he started increasing his feedings, crying and not sleeping, we started the transition. By the end of his 7th month, he was also done. Happy and just calm again.
I think everyone lives breastfeeding differently. It's important to block out what everyone says because in the end, it is you and your baby… what is best for both of you.
Thank you again for this post and your honesty.
Yanic
A topic I never tire of! Thanks for sharing your experience. I can't wait to read all of the comments. I am still nursing my 21 month old and am 38 weeks pregnant with my second baby. I have accepted that I will be tandem nursing, a decision that I feel I only half made, because while I don't really mind, I also feel like it's just something that's happening to me. My goal was always to nurse only as long as my child and I were both comfortable with it, but if I'm being honest with myself, I would have liked to end it a while back. I'm not going to wean my toddler now, with the change that is about to come to his life though. Weaning has always been very intimidating to me, knowing that I will have to be the one to initiate it and stick to it. My child won't be self weaning either; he loves it too much. I expect that he will nurse even more when he sees the baby having "milkies' all the time. And I also feel guilty for having wanted to end it, because I feel like I should still love providing this support to my child. So complicated. You are right that "planning" a breastfeeding journey is as dangerous as "planning' a birth. I had never thought of it that way.
Such a beautiful and honest post. One I wish was there when I weaned my toddler a few months ago. I felt so torn listening to people tell me she obviously wasn't ready. But it needed to be done for my own health. Breastfeeding is beautiful and great. But like you said, can also be exhausting. I went into it thinking I would allow my daughter to self wean, but in the end, it just wasn't right for us.
Well,for once I have a very different point of view…Your words sound right but there's something you don't mention:it's only temporary.
I breastfed my first child for 17 months,days and nights,and the first 4 months were like hell.I'm actually breast feeding my daughter who's nearly 11 months old and yes I feel SO tired-especially as she has health problems.My friends and family always ask me how I manage to keep it going.Believe me I'm not a Superwoman at all,but I keep telling myself that it's only temporary.It will stop,as it stopped with my son when I decided it was good for both of us to let go.I would never have been though all that if I had known it had to last forever.So when you feel dizzy with fatigue at night and your whole body craves for sleep,just feel this little body in your arms and tell yourself-it will stop,and then I'll have no regret…
What a beautiful post Jodi. Your honesty is refreshing. I fed all mine for 12.5mths because at the 12 month mark with my first two, I was pregnant with the next, and very thin. By 10mth with each of them, I was always thin enough for people to ask if I was okay.. was I sick? My body just couldn't grow a baby and still feed another. I totally agree with the tiredness. I made the decision to wean all of them because it was what was best for me. They loved their milk too and would never have given it up by choice. For us, it was a good decision to make the change early, when they were still young enough not to make a fuss. But the sadness that comes with that last feed is never made easier.. xx
I'm in tha exact place right now…at 23 months, I am wondering if it's time, for my own well being, to start the weaning process. It's such a heart thing, especially since his is going to be my last one. The previous children each stopped easily when i was pregnant with the next and was too drained to continue. Now, not having that excuse, i am having to do it just for myself and my well being. though now that I type those words, I realize it might just be for the well being of my family, as I am not functioning as well as I should for all of them. So, now my choices are to try to up my nutrition and water for a while, to see if that improves things. If not, I think this sweet boy and I might have a rough week coming up.
The timing of this post is perfect. Over the last four months or so, we have gradually cut back until now, when we are down to one feed a day, before bed in the evening. She feeds for only five minutes max, but it has become five minutes I treasure. It was so much easier to enjoy feeding her when it stopped being every 3 hours, and we both got the hang of it. But, I always said that if I was able to breast feed, and able to last a year, that that would be it. And I feel that way now, but, oh, the unexpected emotion. You are so right in saying it is heart work. That explains it perfectly. I've been so lucky to have been able to feed her for so long, and it's the one thing I've never given myself guilt over, and I'm guilty all the time. This thursday night will be the last feed. Friday night I will bath her, pass her to Papa, and head out for drinks with my mum's group. I'm pretty sure she won't notice or remember when we stopped, but I will. Maybe I'll even pat myself on the back.
Thank you for this post. Just.. thank you.
This is such a precious post, thank you so much for writing it! I am about to have my first baby, and i hope we'll have a nice breastfeeding story, and thanks to your words i won't forget to listen my inner voice too…
I too felt it was incredibly important to breastfeed my one baby but oh, at first, it was so hard. For the first couple of weeks – terrible – in the end she was so dehydrated, her nappies were pale pink. thankfully we met a lovely midwife and within a few hours attachment was great and it all fell into place. I breastfed exclusively from then until six months when I was hospitalised with asthma. I was on IV hydrocortisone for a week and simply couldn't breastfeed – too sick and the doctors weren't sure of the safety of feeding whilst receiving such high doses of cortisone. So she bottle fed and hated it, I pumped, tipped it down the sink and hated it, and after coming home from hospital it didn't look like she would ever attach again, despite still hating the bottle. Then, one afternoon I sat in my mum's office, all of us in tears and mum said "just try one more time". I did and it worked. She must have been truly desperate. Phew! We then went on to breastfeed until my girl was four years old and I loved every minute of it. It didn't ever make me tired or thin (unfortunately 🙂 For the last two years, she called it "good morning titty" and "good night titty". She'd climb into bed with me in the morning and I'd read to her – we read our way through all the little house books, charlotte's web, narnia … We only stopped at four because she went to stay with my mum for a fortnight, two states away. When we arrived, just in time for Christmas, breastfeeding was over, just like that. I so love that I was able to do this and she remembers it which is extra wonderful.
my hope has always been to let my son guide the process and self-wean. it always seemed so natural to follow that path, but reading this post made me realize that perhaps it doesn't come so naturally. like your children were, my son loves milk and our special one-on-one time. i wonder if he will try to hold on to that or if he will develope an "independance" in time? he is just 14 mos now and i am grateful to have had the honor of nourishing him this long. i would love to continue until his second year, but i hope to find the strength to let go, if it affects my well being and ability to be the best mama to him.
I love this.
I felt the same obligation with my second as well…that he deserved equal as his brother had. I did end up stopping just a few months shy of his big brother and everything was fine. I did lead but I knew he was ready by he was easily talked into a cuddle instead. I guess in the end they were both 3 though and I was glad and proud of my breastfeeding relationship with both of them.
thank you for sharing this, the photo at the top is lovely.
I had the same kind of experiences weaning three out of four of my babies. But the other baby… Totally different. her nature is totally different. She was a more difficult baby, she was (is) stubborn, opinionated, and independent from day one. I never offered her a bottle (because of Mom guilt) until she was 8 months, but when I did, she loved it! She'd never tasted the nasty baby formula in her life, but she was so pleased to be feeding herself! Right then and there I decided to wean her, to give myself some relief from this extra fussy, very needy baby. She weaned so easily, and was so happy about it. I never would have thought. It was a complete opposite experience than the other three! So, I would say, weaning can in fact be easy, if your baby wants it as much as you! 🙂
Absolutely love this post. No plan is the best plan as nothing ever seems to go to plan when you become a mum! x
This post describes almost exactly what i've been going through. I am still breastfeeding my 22 month old & i am physically,mentally & emotionally shattered. I have suffered Graves disease in the past & it returned about 6 months ago & i desperately need to start anti-thyroid medication but it cannot be taken while breastfeeding. My daughter is boob obsessed & like you were, i am too tired to fend off her constant demands for booby. I have always fed her to sleep, besides taking her for a drive i can't get her to sleep any other way. She also wakes frequently throughout the night & won't resettle unless i feed her. I truly don't see her ever self weaning & i can't see a way to gently encourage her. I hoped to breastfeed for 1 year, i never imagined i'd be feeding a 2 year old up to 10 times a day & the same each night. Sorry for the long comment but i don't know anyone else who has been through the same & who understands my desperation.