on being a good listener
white freesias with a subtle hint of lavender on each petal; they smell so good
Confession: I’m a terrible listener. This isn’t a particularly good trait to have as a journalist; listening is quite imperative to the interview process. It doesn’t bode well in relationships, either – partnerships, friendships, parent-child bonds.
When I am listening to someone talk I have a terrible habit of thinking of lots of other not-so-important things at the same time; dinner prep, deadlines, school notes, washing etc. It may be a “mum” thing but I don’t think excuses are particularly useful here. I want to become a better listener; to focus all my awareness on the person talking to me so I can offer a valuable, heartfelt response. And even if a response isn’t necessary, the person talking deserves my full attention – full, complete and uninterrupted.
I’ve spoken before about my belief that simplicity is doing one thing with awareness instead of ten things mindlessly – and that includes listening. Whenever I want the kids to listen to me and take everything I’m saying on board I kneel to their level and look them in the eye…I think I need the same treatment.
In order to slow down and simplify; to focus on the people around me and not the things that need to be done, I’m resolved to listen more attentively. Every time someone starts talking I’m going to turn to them, look at them and focus only on what they’re saying.
Listening is a skill; a very endearing one at that. Are you a good listener? I loved this article on introverted women – I nodded my head to 2, 3, 4 and 6 (not so good at 1 and 5, though).
I, admittedly, am not a great listener either. It's something I am working on though. I come home from work or a shoot and proceed to tell Stephen the ins and outs of my day, I whinge, I boast. I talk. Then it's his turn and he (most of the time) has had a far more interesting or stressful day and I find myself sitting there thinking about how much editing I have to do, or travels plan or whats for dinner that night. I lose myself within his conversation. It's shameful I admit.
Lately I have been working hard to focus on what he and all those around me have to say. I let them talk first so I'm not so 'tired' of conversation later to not listen. I put my phone away (great distraction in conversation), turn my body towards them and work at listening and responding to everything they say. It's been good so far and I am learning more and more everyday. It's a humbling experience to say the least.
I easily lose myself within conversation, too. I also tire easily because, like you, I do lots of the talking first or I'm trying too hard to create a profound response x
I think you are absolutely right about being successful at one thing instead of 10 things mindlessly… I am a good listener, but I also have a keen (photographic) memory. Not sure if one begets the other, but I do think that they go hand-in-hand at some level. I was a teacher for many years which also helped immensely with my level of focus and concentration — to listen closely to my students and commit things to memory. My husband, and anyone else who has a smartphone as an appendage (!) drives me particularly nuts, because he says that he is listening, but I know he isn't. He's got his head down, eyes not on me, texting/watching tv/reading an article in the NYT. I am constantly banging on that unless he's looking directly at me and the technology is put down, then we aren't really having a conversation. Often, I wait until we are completely engaged with each other to begin speaking or to answer a question. I know this is the age of multitasking, and we can do everything all at once, right? 😉
I'm like you – too many thoughts happening or also thinking of something I'd like to add to the conversation and not wanting to forget it!
I'm very much a listener, although when working in an office I find I have to turn my monitor off so that all of the emails and messages don't distract me from the person I'm talking to.
Loved the article you've linked to. I very much find myself linking conversations and mapping out how my loved people are doing, I'm not so good with number four but am consciously working on that one.
I'm terrible at listening too. I don't even remember a person's name, seconds after they've told me 🙁
I'm very much an introvert but i don't know that i'm great at listening. I am always worried about what others think of me & while i'm listening i'm trying to think of what i should say next. You would think at 33 i would be more self assured but unfortunately i'm not.
This topic is always on my mind. What is helping enormously right now are the words of Susan Cain in her book 'Quiet'. I'm discovering so much more about myself as an introvert, as a sensitive introvert, and so it's allowing me to own parts of me that I didn't quite understand. When we understand ourselves on a deeper level, we become more available to the people in our lives, and I believe we become better listeners. In theory anyway… and something I'm practising! x
You are the third person to mention that book to me in the past fortnight…I must need to read it x
Love when we get signs like that. Always grateful to be shown the way. xx
We are Mummas are so often guilty of not practising what we preach. This life is a work in progress, isn't it?! Bravo to you for delving into all it's facets both beautiful and messy. Much love xxx
Thank you – I was thinking about this today also. There is a great article by a fellow who has travelled for 8 years, and he talks about the importance of listening – (its a great read – http://www.fluentin3months.com/life-lessons/)
I wish I were a better listener, but my mind often wanders, or I get nervous and it goes blank. I've noticed I'm particularly bad at remembering names of new people I meet. I volunteer with a group of runners who are homeless, and am feeling increasingly determined to become better at addressing everyone by name, even if I only just met them once before. I want everyone to feel valued . . .
What a great post. I have that habit as well. It's why when I am with clients I take notes so I don't forget and it forces me to listen.
Thanks for the link. Great article!
I feel the same about my listening skills, and having kids hasn't made that any better. At parties/social gatherings it is completely hopeless: I listen to everyone and no one at the same time – and get terribly tired.
I also often experience that I am being asked a lot about myself (being the only Austrian among Danes and a twin mother, I seem to invite a lot of questions) and don't get a chance to ask back because I keep thinking about what best to say. And when I go home, I feel bad about not being interested in people – which isn't true at all.
Since I found out that I tick many boxes within the introvert and highly sensitive spectre, it's been easier to accept my ways, but it's still a struggle at times.
This might be a little off topic, but your phrasing struck a chord with me – about kneeling down to look the kids in the eye when you want them to listen. I often use a wheelchair and I loathe it when people kneel down to talk to me because it feels like I am being treated as a child instead of an adult.
Then I read your post with 'kneel down' and 'kids' in the same sentence plus 'when *I want* the kids to listen to *me*'.No wonder I feel the way I do when people kneel down to talk to me. Can you see the imbalance of power in the last phrase? You kneel down to the kids when you want them to listen to you, do you also kneel down when you are ready to listen to them?
Please do not kneel down to converse with someone in a wheelchair – if you want to be at the same level as me (both physically and figuratively), pull up a chair, or take a few steps away so I don't have to crane my neck to see your face while you are talking (or listening).
Thanks for your thought-provoking post and for the ah-ha moment! 🙂
I'm a real introvert too and all those points ring true for me. I'm usually a good listener, unless my head is too full and I just need to be alone. Then there's simply no room for listening. The downside of being a good listener and an introvert, is that I usually listen a lot more than I talk. Most of the time that's fine, but sometimes you want to share your own thoughts and it happens often that I don't get the chance. I'm reading "Quiet" at the moment and, like others mentioned, I think you might like it too.
Really enjoyed reading this post; i'm an introvert too and i'm constantly trying to be a better listener. Actually, i had litterally just written something on a similar topic when i came across your post 🙂
(http://maellemarie.blogspot.fr/2014/06/the-art-of-conversation.html)
I'm a good listener – mainly because with a hearing loss, I have to be. It's something people have complimented me on. I wrote about my hearing loss and how it affects the way I concentrate and listen here, if you're interested in reading sometime. x http://a-pastiche.com/2012/09/19/your-warrior-spirit-lives-on/