family dynamics and the new baby
When I called my mum to tell her that Percy had arrived I could hear Poet whining in the background: “Humph, I’m wanted a girl baby!” In the weeks that followed she regularly rubbed my still swollen belly and asked: “When is the girl baby coming out?”
In retrospect, her disappointment was to be expected and I’m relieved she felt comfortable enough to express it, then and there, and get it out of the way. Because now? It’s complete and utter adoration (especially when she is given the time and space to pull the fluff out from between his fingers and toes). Just this morning she really, truly embraced the mummy role and spat on her finger before wiping milk off his face.
A new baby brings with it unsurmountable joy and complete and utter overwhelm. Those first few weeks are emotionally charged and once the bliss wears off (give it a few days) the reality really starts to hit home. Everyone is in a state of limbo as they attempt to adjust and meltdowns are the norm. But you know what was most confronting about this shift? It was surprisingly difficult for me to mother Che and Poet. Yes, they were more demanding of my attention (understandable) but I was so deep in the post-birth haze that my ability to console them, let alone answer questions and deal with difficult behaviour, was beyond me. Is this common? I’ve never heard anyone else mention it, let alone be privy to a discussion between other mums. Perhaps it’s the almighty power of motherly instinct, to place all your energy into nurturing and protecting the newborn. Or perhaps it’s just a simple case of physical discomfort, hormones and exhaustion; dealing with tantrums and engaging in conversations about Harry Potter required far too much brain power.
Alas, I made it through and now I am quite adept at a conversation about the antics at Hogwarts.
At almost four months in, we are all starting to settle, really feel comfortable, in our new roles. There’s a definite sense of clarity that returns at three-months-postpartum and I can now see how Che and Poet have adjusted. Che (almost 8) has been phenomenal; he gets himself in and out of the shower, makes a snack, ties Poet’s shoelaces, brings the wood in, asks me if I would like a glass of water…and yet I feel like he’s been the last to receive my attention because he is so independent. Poet is naturally demanding and incredibly affectionate and all she wants to do is be close to Percy (basically on top of him) so as you can imagine, I really do have to have eyes in the back of my head. But you know what I have noticed? As brother and sister they have become closer; they’ve forged ahead together and have a new-found bond that sparks as many beautiful moments (like above) as it does raging arguments.
Over the past few weeks, as I’ve had more space, I’ve been making a concerted effort to spend dedicated one-on-one time with Che and Poet. Of course, the timing has to be perfect so we aren’t interrupted by Percy but even if it’s five minutes, it makes all the difference. And if we are interrupted? Well, that’s the way it is for now, and we all need to be a little more patient. There is five of us, after all.
When your new baby came along, how did you help your children adjust?
A great post. I found the two eldest merged even closer and also seemed to form a stronger and deeper bond with their dad in those first few weeks of Nellie arriving. We were very blessed to have Michael home for a few weeks which helped immensely. I couldn't agree with you more that five minutes is enough to make a difference – whatever you can give each child is better than nothing and it will always be enough. Quality over quantity at a time like that! I would often read books to Finn while I was nursing Nellie in the early days. She gets far too distracted now!
Great post. I have had my third recently as well, she is now 5 months. My other two have formed an amazing new bond just like you mentioned. The juggle is certainly there at the start but I'm feeling much more in control now. I involve my older two a lot and they love it. We have little one on one dates too so they get alone time and haven't felt neglected with a new baby in the spotlight.
Thinking back, when my third was born I hardly ever saw the elder two…it was summer and we had 2 sets of guests from week 3 to week 7 plus other visiting relatives, so they spent most of their time at the beach with others, which was really a great help for me and they didn't feel left out. Now one year on with the eldest (11) stretching his wings and often out and about, and the little one of course still requiring a lot of my attention (more so supervision these days) I can see middle child syndrome developing for my "not big enough to do what big brother does but not little anymore" son (almost 8). Family dynamics are ever evolving as they (and we!) grow and change. I find encouraging separate interests and friends for the older two helps in developing autonomy and self-esteem, as well as that precious (but rare) one on one time.
I try to be honest. This last time, my older kids have been more capable of understanding. Sometimes my teenage boy will launch into a long involved story about a video game, and while I usually try to muster some enthusiasm for the things that interest him, sometimes I'll just explain how tired I am and that I really want to hear his story but I'm not able to concentrate. And then I make time to listen when I can. But it does bring out great things in the kids, to be more independent, help their siblings and play amongst themselves. As long as you are taking what time you can to involve them and give them attention, it will all work itself out. And I think it's a joy to watch how it develops.
My girls were born early and spent the first 4 weeks in the special care nursery. I was with them all day, every day, commuting back and forth and hardly saw my son at all during that time. He was passed around from relative to relative during that time. He didn't seem to mind and loved all the attention from extended family; it upset me though!
My son was two years old when the girls came along so he took it all in his stride really, soon forgot what life was like without them. He loved them, for the most part, and would help fetch me things for them and felt very important in doing so, but the moment I turned my back he'd be sitting on them or be holding a pillow over their face!
Just over a year on now and they are all starting to fight with each other, which has resulted in a fair amount of screaming (oh the screaming) and one chipped tooth! But overall, I think adjusting to life as a family of five is going really well. It's chaos but also fun and funny. I loved growing up with siblings and I'm so glad my kids will have that experience too!
Beautifully written. I can't answer your question (our first is only 4 weeks now) but really.. Beautifully written! You're doing an amazing job.
I can say that I feel similarly. I have wondered if it's hormone's, God's design — one in the same.
My youngest is a month and I feel so frustrated and annoyed with my bigger kids (ages 2 and almost 4). The feeling is particularly strong when I'm nursing, which makes me wonder if it's hormonal. I mean to ask my doctor when I have my 6-week checkup.
My older two fight non-stop. Perhaps I'll start praying for that bond you mention 🙂
I was in the same boat Jodi. I didn't notice my 5 year old had a burst eardrum because it was the same month I had just given birth. Feeling bad yes! But I also had a hard and long recovery too so I was pretty consumed with postpartum. I thought my biggest was going to accidentally kill my newborn because he would climb on top of him; we made a boundary for that pretty quickly. Not ideal but this worked; when we arrived home from school pick up we would stay in the car for 15 minutes all strapped in and still so I could ask Max about his day at Kindy and also get him to read his home reader. I found as soon as we got inside everything would somehow become chaotic with trying to get dinner on and attending to the baby and meeting the needs of a new school boy. Be gentle on yourself. It sounds like you are doing quite well with such a big family. Take care.
Thank you for writing this. For sharing your story. I haven't heard much about mom having to deal with the transition of a new baby. Usually I see posts about children having the difficult time. I just had my second baby May 4th. My daughter is 4.5 years old. I was worried that we had all of this time with just her and how she would handle the transition. Instead, she did beautifully. We are only 7 weeks in, but she has done amazing. She is old enough to understand that I may spend over an hr feeding him, changing him, feeding him and oh he pooped, change him again…she knows its because he is little and needs a lot of care. I had a hard time though. I still am. Around week 2/3 I couldn't keep up with conversation. Every question seemed to much to try to answer. I snapped. I yelled. I got annoyed with her. I feel awful about it. I know I was adjusting. On top of having a new baby, I had a really hard time breastfeeding. I'm cracked and bleeding still and get a little anxious when its feeding time. I don't want this time to go by too fast, but, I also am looking forward to things settling in even more, so that I can have some more time with her and I. I'm learning as I go, but still surprised that I was the one having a hard time. -And I work nights at a hospital for a living, this sleep deprivation is nothing compared to that, for me. But with all the hormones and guilt mixed in. It's been tough.
Number 2 bub is now 4 weeks old and my 4 year old son has had fluctuating levels of adjustment to being an older brother. Loves hugging baby, hates any baby noise when going to bed and his special wind down time. We got given a book "the new small person" by the woman who wrote Charlie and Lola which seems to brilliantly capture the emotions of a new sibling – read it about 100 times in the first week we had to my son!
I love this, Jodi. Great post. And I love that Poet picks the fluff from Percy's toes and fingers – I thought Josephine was the only one, hehe! X
My four year old has done SO well in terms of adjusting to his new baby sister. We are six months in now and I don't know if it is because I am resurfacing or because his patience has worn out but I am noticing how often I put him off over the course of the day and how frustrated he gets as a result…I just have to feed your sister, I will help you after I change her nappy. Of course that is the way it has to be but I am trying to be more mindful and spend any spare minutes I have with him. I have been making every effort to do his bedtime routine with him…or at least the final story before turning off the light. And I am planning to take advantage of the school holidays to spend a bit more one on one time with him.
Oh how I wish you had written this 3.5 years ago! I only have two but the arrival of my second was very hard. Recovering, dealing with a newborn, a 3 year old (which I find the hardest age, not 2 as most people say) and helping my daughter adjust to having a brother, not a sister. Day care pulled me up and said "I don't know what is going on at home, but your daughter doesn't want you to be her mother". I felt like the worse mother in the world. Thankfully with a wonderful support network I got through, and now we all have a wonderful dynamic. If anything, it helped me realise some things had to change, and that was no bad thing.
That's great that you are in your new rhythm now. Enjoy your beautiful family and be kind to yourself.
Yes I found it challenging too going from one to two kiddos and trying to parent them both well. My eldest was three and her behaviour was less challenging once I actually gave birth. She hasn't been keen on mama only time simply because she wants us all to be together (which is lovely and hopefully indicative that she loves our little family unit). What has worked well for us is having bed time stories every night. We've always done it but I can see that this one on one time with mum and then dad has becoming increasingly important to her. Sometimes given the nature of the demands of babies, it is not always possible to do it without her little brother and it is a struggle as I so want to give her this time. I try to think of it that she knows it is important to mum and dad as well but that sometimes it can't be done. Hopefully she will connect that this is reflective of what occurs in daily life and these little lessons, which we learn through having a sibling, will strengthen and help her through the future challenges she will face as she journeys through life.